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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that counseling might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even processing later can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This journey will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.